Summoned to Thirteenth Grave by Darynda Jones (Spoilers)

Title: Summoned to Thirteenth Grave

Author: Darynda Jones

Series: Charley Davidson #13

A hollow narrative with only humor and charismatic characters as its merits

I would like to thank Darynda Jones, St. Martin’s Press/Macmillan, and NetGalley for allowing me to read an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

I beg of you, don’t spoil any part of this series for yourself. Usually I don’t mind spoilers, but this is one series for which spoilers are simply criminal. If you haven’t read all the books, including Summoned, do NOT read this review.

*bites lip* Are you sure you won’t reconsider?

All right, I don’t want to hear it…

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FYI, about a week after originally posting this, I added an additional rant about Charley and Reyes’s celestial body-meld at the end and changed my rating to two stars.

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So I read Summoned a second time today. (It’s a quick read, you simply inhale it.) And because I wasn’t in an all-fired hurry to find the answers to the questions the last book had left me with, I grasped things a bit better this time, I think. And I’m really realizing how very little of it makes sense.

As I said in my non-spoiler review, the main plot is dealing with the hell dimension that spilled out when Reyes broke out of the god glass in Eleven. Ground zero is their apartment, and, as they feared it would, the dimension and its influence have spread. They have to figure out how to stop it before too much damage is done—ie, before it takes over the entire world and we’re all doomed.

Tied into that is a subplot about what truly happened the day Charley was born. I followed this thread better the second time around, but it’s still bullshit. If I had to guess, I’d say Jones completely pulled it out of her ass in an effort to fill the pages. The gist is, in the dimension Charley’s trapped in for over a hundred years as punishment for bringing Amber back from the dead, there are friendly wraiths that occupy the void with her. They tell her something bad’s going down on the earth plane, and the only way to stop it is to figure out what happened to Charley’s mother. So upon returning, she does her sleuth thing and finds out that a demon tore her mother’s soul out of her body the moment Charley cleared the runway, as it were, and severely damaged it, which is what ultimately killed her. Before her soul completely fades away, Charley’s mother departs a key piece of information to Gemma, who was awaiting her baby sister’s birth and witnessed her mother’s fight with the demon. “The heart is both the strongest part of the body and the weakest. Always go for the heart.”

But it just wasn’t necessary. At all. Before Charley can pry that information out of Gemma, Pantu—the boy who wrote the children’s books in Twelve—tells her the exact same thing, and more than that, he tells her where to go next, which was a hell of a lot more than her mother imparted. The only other point to the whole scene of Charley’s birth was finding out that—brace yourself—Uncle Bob is actually the angel Raphael. He was sent to make sure Charley was born safely—which I admit makes a ton of sense—but because the demon got to her mother, he thought he failed and pleaded with the Lord to let him stay on earth and watch over Charley. That still doesn’t make sense to me. First, he didn’t fail. Charley was born safely. Why did the death of her mother traumatize him so? Second, whatever happened to the real Uncle Bob? Or was Raphael born as Ubie, like Rey’aziel was born as Reyes? I don’t remember it being explained.

Another thing that doesn’t make sense about that night is the fact that Uncle Bob brought four-year-old Gemma to wait for hours in a waiting room for her sister to be born. There’s no way a four-year-old would put up with that, which Charley points out herself, but she just shrugs it off. Truly, the only reason Gemma needed to be there was to hear her mother’s message and convey it to Charley, though she ends up blocking the traumatic memory and never does! The entire scene, that entire mystery, was completely contrived and completely unnecessary. I can think of no reason Ubie needed to be an angel-turned-human. Sure, his angelic might helped in the final battle, but he had to bargain for his powers back and then I think he lost them again? So he’s pretty much just a human who can see supernatural stuff, like most of Charley’s friends. The subplot had no purpose whatsoever in my opinion.

And why was the same message written on Thaniel’s back? What did he have to do with it?

That was probably what bothered me the most about the book, though I have similar feelings about the other subplot. In that storyline, they find a little boy and gradually solve the mystery of him. Come to find out, he was one of two children of a young girl who was abducted, raped, and imprisoned for ten years by Hale Walker—aka the biological son of Earl Walker who we’re just now learning of, though Reyes was aware of his existence. Apparently he lived in Albuquerque his whole life and even went to school with Reyes for a brief period. Yet Reyes never thought to mention him, or more important, to keep an eye on him considering the source of his DNA? And that nugget of information has no significance. It’s dealt with just like any of the other side plot mysteries in the series. What point was there in creating that character and invoking the name of Earl Walker if you were just going to use him for five minutes and kill him? I’m not sure what Jones’s intent was there. It seems about as contrived as the mother plot.

Oh, wait, I remember a sliver of relevance. In the beginning, Reyes mentions that Lucifer might take advantage of their preoccupation with closing the hell dimension and make a play for Beep. When they learn of the truth behind the little boy, Reyes is convinced it’s the wrench he predicted would be thrown at them by Lucifer to divert their attention. But Charley immediately debunks that suspicion—and that’s all the more we hear about Lucifer. I mention in my non-spoiler review that an attack by Lucifer was teased but never materialized? That’s what I’m talking about.

What else bothered me… *scrolls through notes* Did we ever find out why Garrett was giving Reyes weird looks and what they were deep in discussion about when Charley startled them? I assume it was just that Garrett either knew or suspected Reyes had made a deal to somehow sacrifice himself for Charley’s return. Which I totally called in the first few pages. Reyes is always throwing himself on pyres like that. He’s made a cliche of himself. Then again, if he didn’t give himself up for Charley’s sake, he wouldn’t be the Reyes we love. So, stalemate.

How did Reyes know to meet Charley in that exact spot? How did God know to drop her off there? How did that work?

You know what? I’m not even going to bother with that one.

The whole thing with the Vatican. Yeah, that thread needed to be paid off, though it was never really important, I don’t think. It was somewhat satisfying to see Charley burn the files, but how satisfying can it be knowing, as she thought herself, that those files are likely digitally backed up? She should have shot bolts of electricity from her hands and fried the computers, too. Or I suppose it would have to be the servers, huh? Suppose the Pope uses the cloud? As for the tomb and the box of Zeus flakes, just—why? Why was that stored at the Vatican? Who was the priest who hid it there? How did he know he needed to? Why in that section, why Livia? What was the point of her? She was just—there. From what I understood, the box just happened to be hidden next to her tomb or whatever. I get why Charley needed to reincarnate Zeus. I was on board with that. But why the Vatican? Because it would be safest there? How? The barrier only keeps out Reyes, who can’t touch Zeus anyway. So that argument is null. What was the purpose of the conversation with the agent dude? They just told each other things they already knew and bandied not-so-subtle threats. Lastly, I’m not sure how I feel about the lion.

Hey, I have a question. *waves hand in air* What about that spell Reyes put on Beep at the end of Twelve? Quote: “I have made her invisible to all who would cause her harm. Our enemies will not be able to find her until she wants to be found.” This was never mentioned again in Summoned. Was the barrier really necessary if none of the bad guys could find Beep anyway? I wanted so damn fucking badly for them to find a way to be together as a family. From the moment Beep was taken away from Charley, that was the single most important piece of the narrative to me, and while I’m glad Charley and Reyes aren’t dead and will be there to watch Beep grow up, I can’t help but be rather crushed that that thread wasn’t paid off the best way it could have been. I thought Charley’s thing was loopholes? She couldn’t find any? I think Jones might have bit herself on the ass when she gave Charley that premonition several books ago.

The back and forth between Charley and Reyes claiming to be at fault for the hell dimension got old. At the end of the day, did it matter? No. Just close the damn thing.

As for the characters, I won’t talk personalities and likability. I’ve done that in my other reviews. If you didn’t heed my warning and are reading this specifically for the spoilers, what you want to know about the characters is who lived and who died. Well, I’ve spoiled half the shocking reveals already, so why not? Don’t worry, it was only minor characters. Gemma passes, but I was cool with that, she never had a purpose and I never cared about her. Jones tried to give her one here with the message from the mother and all, but since I call bullshit on that, I call bullshit on her purpose. Rocket was made superfluous when we found out it was actually Blue who knew the names of the dead, so I understood moving on from him. Blue as well, now that Thaniel’s there. Speaking of, I’m intrigued by Thaniel. I want to know more about him. Livia goes, but she had no purpose, so buh-bye. Strawberry passes when she realizes her brother has died. Yep, we learn in passing that Taft, another character who never served much purpose but who I had kinda grown attached to, was gunned down in a freak accident a while back and no one told Charley. Remember Strawberry asking Charley to find him in Twelve? Or it might have been Eleven. Why Uncle Bob didn’t tell her before, I don’t know. It wasn’t like Taft was a John Doe for a while. Wait, I thought at one point Charley thought Strawberry couldn’t find her brother because he was undercover and she didn’t recognize him? Is it both? I’m confused, but it doesn’t matter, because he’s dead regardless. Popped off-screen so Jones wouldn’t have to bother with him.

To be perfectly honest with you, while I’m sad to say goodbye to these charismatic characters I’ve come to love, I am so ready to be done with this mythology. It’s become such a mess. Also to be perfectly honest with you, I’ve decided this book rates only three stars, what with all the hollow plots, but I’ve already committed to four stars, so I’ll keep it that way.  (I gave in and changed it to two. Continue reading to find out why.) Plus it’s just so goddamn entertaining that I loved it despite its flaws. When I wasn’t laughing out loud, I was grinning, which is par for the course with this series. It’s a light and funny read with endearing characters. The tone, the witticisms, and the writing deserve their very own star regardless of the plotting.

I think that’s everything. Jones is working on a new trilogy that’s not paranormal, just straight mystery/romantic suspense. Beyond that, she’d better be prepping for Beep’s series (I’m assuming it’ll be a series; there’s a lot to do), because she’s been teasing it since the fourth book and laid the foreshadowing on real nice and thick in Summoned. There is no “thinking about it.” If you proceed to be that big of a tease and don’t follow through, you’re going to alienate a LOT of fans.

Random: It just occurred to me while reading Summoned that Beep and Osh are going to have a Rogue problem: How can they kiss without him feeding off her? Maybe he’s able to kiss women without being tempted to suck out their souls, maybe he can separate the two actions, but if he can’t resist feeding off Charley once they’ve locked lips, there’s no way he’ll be to resist Elwyn, because she’s even more powerful, right? She’ll be even sweeter, more tempting, more addicting? Hmm…

I really hope she’s going to be releasing things simultaneously. I’ll be all over the mystery series, but I think we’ve waited for Beep’s story long enough, don’t you, considering she started teasing it six years ago? *groans pathetically*

Edit 1/23/19: Cheyes Haven rant

I received a message from a woman who asked me to help her understand why Charley and Reyes did the celestial body-meld at the end. It didn’t make sense to her and she couldn’t find any answers on the internet, so in desperation she turned to me. I was definitely dissatisfied with the Cheyes Haven when I first read the book (no, you didn’t miss anything, I made up the term), and up there in my spoiler review I asked why the haven was necessary and brought up the spell Reyes put on Beep in Twelve—which was never mentioned again. That’s about all the thought I gave it until I realized there are other dissatisfied fans looking for answers, and since Jones sure as hell neglects to explain anything, I decided to put my noggin on the case.

And the more I think about it, the more upset I become. Because ya know, I can’t think of a good, solid reason why the Cheyes Haven was the only solution to keeping Beep safe.

Also, in rereading that last chapter, I realized Charley said she didn’t know she could summon her mother, and that, too, gets to the point of my rant:

How did she not know she could? How could she still think there were things she couldn’t do? It’s been made clear she could do pretty much anything she wanted, God just policed her in His own realm. I recall Angel telling her several freaking times that she could summon anyone. THAT SHE COULD DO ANYTHING. So tell me, Jones, in a world where someone was able to turn a real, breathing lion into a stone sculpture and reverse, in a world where someone was able to cast an invisible protective barrier around the Vatican that wasn’t made of celestial beings (or if it was, you certainly didn’t say so), in a world where Reyes was able to cast a spell on Beep to make her invisible to all who would harm her until further notice, in a world where Charley was told several times by several different people that she could DO ANYTHING—there was no way she and Reyes could raise Beep themselves?

When I first read the book, I started to question it, but stopped because my brain was tired and I figured perhaps despite the spell, despite anything they could do, supernatural beings both good and bad would be able to see Charley’s light regardless, and though the bad ones wouldn’t be able to see Beep thanks to her father’s spell, they’d know she was near wherever Charley was—which, if that was the case, would be a good reason not to do the meld and to keep Charley away from Beep forevermore. But that train of thought led me to the question, why would God allow Charley to do the meld? The reason she’s on Earth at all is to be the portal to heaven. Would He allow her to give up her duties? I suppose if there was any reason He’d allow it, it would be so she could protect Beep, who will one day take down Lucifer for Him. (And that opens up a whole other can of worms—why can’t He just do these things Himself? It’s safe to say this series has not made me reconsider my agnostic position.) So then the question is—is Charley still able to do her Reaper thing and have departed cross through her? If she put all her light in Reyes the Void—another thing I don’t understand—then it’s hidden, right? Or is that wrong? Will the departed be able to see the Cheyes Haven barrier and be guided to it and pass through it? The Shade was visible, right? But the one around the Vatican wasn’t visible… So her light has to be hidden now, otherwise supernatural beings could still see it, and bad beings could still find Charlie and then what’s the point at all? Let them see her because they can’t get through the Cheyes Haven anyway? But the departed can’t cross through the Cheyes Haven because it consists of Reyes, too, who is the portal to Hell. They might get to the wrong afterplace if they did that—unless Charley and Reyes could control where the departed went? I suppose that’s possible.

See, this is what makes fantasy world-building so difficult. You have to create rules for yourself to follow, and you have to stick to them, otherwise no one is going to trust your narrative decisions and your rules can be picked apart until they all completely unravel and all that’s left is a tangled heap of plot threads.

Okay, so I’m pissed. The more I’ve studied the book, the cheaper it feels, and I’ve decided to change my rating to two stars. Jones just made things happen for the sake of novelty with no explanation because she’d undoubtedly painted herself into a corner by not having an overall plan and just making this up as she goes. The moment she made Charley a god, invulnerable and able to do anything, she slaughtered any potential tension and conflict, so she’s just had Charley, who’s actually quite intelligent, play dumb this whole time and hoped we wouldn’t notice. It’s a disservice to the character and it’s a disservice to the reader. And I have to wonder, going forward, with Beep purportedly even more powerful than either of her parents—which, as I understand it, makes her pretty much the most powerful being in all existence—will she be dumbed down, too, so Jones can actually create a story around her? Theoretically, couldn’t any of them snap their fingers and dust Lucifer Thanos-style? Charley ate other gods, surely she could eat a mere naughty angel? See, it all just falls apart.

All that said, I’m sorry, Charley fans—I don’t have an answer for you. Well, I do, and that’s that you’re right, it doesn’t make sense, and no, there is no explanation I can think of—but that answer sucks.

You know what else was cheap that I don’t understand? Why did Charley and Reyes have to become the Cheyes Haven right that very second? I don’t think the Loehrs and Beep were even in Santa Fe yet. I mean, I doubt in Santa Fe there are many chateaus surrounded by snow-covered trees with fireplaces that get turned on for the sole reason of warming up baby wipes. (For the record, New Mexico is a high desert and does get snow, supposedly about 10 inches a year—but I still doubt that’s where they were, because if Reyes is going to evacuate loved ones via private plane, he’s going to send them further than sixty miles away.) So they needed at least several hours to get moved, right? Surely Charley and Reyes could have waited for their friends to come back and could have said a proper goodbye? I suppose they didn’t dare, because some of their friends are pretty smart and would have pointed out that the Cheyes Haven wasn’t necessary, and so then they wouldn’t have done it, and Jones would have had to think of something else, but there is nothing else, because when you have a character who can do anything with a thought, your only choice is to have them do that.

All right then. Someone get some kerosene, I’ll bring the pitchforks, and we’ll make a night of it.

Seriously, though, if any wannabe writers happen to read this, take heed—DO NOT MAKE YOUR PROTAGONIST INVULNERABLE. Without vulnerabilities, there is no conflict, and without conflict, there is no story.

If someone’s got a counterargument, please, by all means, present it. I’m open as the Grand Canyon to suggestions. But don’t tell me it’s because God wouldn’t let her. Allow me to quote a passage from Twelve:

[Charley to archangel Michael] “You know what? You have your rules and your laws and your decrees, and I’ve been pretty good about following them.”

“It.”

“What?”

“You’ve been good about following it. We gave you only one rule—a life may be restored only if the soul has not already been freed. …”

So yeah. My brain hurts.

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My NON-SPOILER review of Summoned to Thirteenth Grave

Elise’s interview with Jones

My review of Trouble with Twelfth Grave

My review of Eleventh Grave in Moonlight

My review of The Curse of Tenth Grave

From the publisher:

Interview with Jones

Fun fact for each of the books in the series

First chapter of Summoned to Thirteenth Grave

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